Wednesday, November 3, 2010

Job Opening-Description Follows

The holidays are officially launched. Halloween is the harbinger of Thanksgiving which means, unless you're Macy's, Christmas will come in another month. This is the time of year I'm most likely to panic. It's also the time I grow nostalgic. Anyone with me here? 

What I need most is a touch of humor to get me though November and December. So here's my humble attempt at making myself laugh. It's "groundling"humor, but I love it. And I hope you'll laugh a bit along with me.

Job Description: Long-term worker needed for challenging, permanent work in chaotic environment. Applicants must possess excellent communication and organizational skills and be willing to work evenings and weekends and frequent 24-hour shifts. There is some overnight travel required, including trips to primitive camping sites on rainy weekends and endless sports tournaments in faraway cities. Travel expenses are not reimbursed.


Must keep this job for the rest of your life. Must be willing to be hated, at least temporarily. Must be willing to bite tongue repeatedly. Must possess the physical stamina of a pack mule. Must be willing to tackle stimulating technical challenges such as small gadget repair, sluggish toilets, and stuck zippers. Must handle assembly and product safety testing, as well as floor maintenance and other janitorial work. Must screen phone calls, maintain calendars and coordinate production of multiple homework projects. Must have ability to plan and organize social gatherings for clients of all ages and levels of mentality. Must be willing to be indispensable one minute and an embarrassment the next. Must assume final, complete accountability for the quality of the end product.

Advancement and Promotion: 

There is no possibility of either. Your job is to remain in the same position for years, without complaining constantly retraining and updating your skills so that those in your charge can ultimately surpass you.

Previous Experience: 

None required, but on-the-job training is offered on a continually exhausting basis.


Are you kidding?  In fact, you must pay those in your charge, offering frequent raises and bonuses. A balloon payment is due when they turn 18 and attend college. When you die you give them whatever income you have left.


*Laughing here.* There is no health or dental insurance, no pension, no tuition reimbursement, no paid holidays and no stock options. However the job offers limitless opportunities for personal growth and free hugs for life.

So if you haven't already taken on this challenging occupation, are you interested? Consult your nearest parent before applying.


  1. Coffee came out my nose, I laughed so hard at this description!

  2. Humor is something I've always loved in other people ... life can get too serious when we forget to laugh and forget that we can never understand it all ... nor a fraction, probably. This post is a great idea, Lee; and perfect timing. So many of us start to feel stressed this time of year ... we let the pressure of the holidays parade us around like sad sacks! And so much of this seems to fall on the shoulders of women. I, for one, each year ... try to simplify the holidays (meaning Nov thru Dec) ... but it's tough w/all the expectations out there. So, you're right, let's laugh a little! Perfect! -- Daisy

  3. Thanks for stopping in and enjoying. That's exactly what I hoped for. Not the coffee out the nose, Darby, but a good chuckle. Hope there's no stains on the carpet.

    As usual, I appreciated your wonderful thoughts on my blog, Daisy. And I love your idea of simplification. Excellent.

  4. LOL! Thanks for starting my day with a good laugh.

  5. Awww! I love this!! I'd apply, but I've already been suckered into this job. :D LOL, I love my kids and wouldn't trade them for all the book deals in the world!!!

  6. Awww! I love this!! I'd apply, but I've already been suckered into this job. :D LOL, I love my kids and wouldn't trade them for all the book deals in the world!!!

  7. Love it! I've been doing this job for a while and despite the lack of pay and benefits, it does have its payoffs... at times :)

  8. LOL. I apparently love this job so much, I signed up for it three times. ;)

    The hugs are definitely the best part of the job.

  9. It's funny as your reading it thinking, hmm, i do that, and that, and that! It's an awesome job and (mostly) my favorite! This helps me laugh at those other times!

  10. As overwhelming as this job is, it seems we all would sign up for it again. Bless our hearts!

  11. This cracked me up. Nodded my head through the whole thing. I love it when studies show how much a mother's work would cost if someone had to be paid to do it. It's a good thing we love our job as parents!

  12. Sounds like a serious job to me but with potentially amazing benefits.


Please say something to me, anything. Well, not anything, but a kind word will do.